August 30, 2024
To my Sunshine 🌞, Dr. Barker, Dr. Ng, Dr. Danico, and Dr. Humber for believing in me when I did not believe in myself.
In high school I learned that I found another gear to run when I saw the finish line. Why does that matter? Because no matter the distance of the race…no matter how tired I was, there was ALWAYS something left in my energy tank. Knowing this gave me the confidence at the end of every race to catch whoever was in front of me and get to the finish line with everything I had. For many aspects of my life, this approach has worked. Unfortunately, sometimes effort isn't enough. Recently, my doctoral journey at Dallas Baptist University (DBU) has reminded me of a journey where effort was not enough to get to the finish line. September 2018 was my final attempt to finish what I started. I was enrolled in a Ph.D. program at another university off and on for nearly a decade. I had completed all my course work...I began working on the first two chapters of my dissertation. And then it all came to an end. I did not finish. I may have been close, but I could not see the finish line. No one in the program believed in me; I struggled to get those who were assigned to serve on my dissertation committee to see value in my topic. It led me to think maybe I finally met my academic match. Maybe this Ph.D. thing wasn't in the cards for me.
As a first-generation college student, having people who believe in me has always mattered…when I first came to DBU, I asked the provost and the program director, “Why did you all take me into your program when I didn't finish the last doctoral program I was in?” And they said, “What you submitted combined with your interview gave us the idea that you had a chance to actually finish what you started, given the right resources.” …Now, how the right resources were interpreted was often different between how I saw it versus how the university saw it...And while it was true, I did have some faculty who believed in me. I don't know if their belief in me alone could counteract my self-doubt from past attempts and the faculty who didn't believe in me. (And for those who didn't believe in me, it wasn't the fact that they specifically said they didn't believe in me, it was their unintentional dismissal of things I brought to the table that went against the status quo that already existed in academia.) It was having classmates who were in the trenches with me who not only had a similar goal to complete this journey, but their stories were culturally relevant to me and my stories were culture relevant to them. And so, when I hit my dark spots, they shined light for me. And when they were in their darkest spots, I shined light for them. It was my family making sacrifices and my friends who already had a Ph.D. becoming my hype team when I was deflated. All these resources served as opportunities for iron sharpening iron. These resources helped me in undergrad to fight through challenges that seem insurmountable. In my first master's program, these resources helped me overcome academic rejection from other universities, navigate career choices/research ideas, and overcome systemic discrimination that exists in our criminal Justice system. And so, we fast forward to 2024 and I was reminded how leaning on my village still matters!
I might be accomplished in many things, but
when it comes to navigating academics beyond my job duties, it often feels
overwhelming. It often feels like I'm not good enough. Earlier this month I had
to complete my written and oral comprehensive exams to become a doctoral
candidate at DBU. The comprehensive exams have been talked about and presented
as the big scary monster in the closet since the first day of the program. Many
of my classmates were overwhelmed about these exams before we got through our
1st month of our program! As we approached August 2024, many classmates had
different strategies on how they were going to be successful and how they
needed to prepare for these comprehensive exams. In a doctoral program, there
isn't 1 finish line…There are 2 finish lines. One finish
line was passing the comprehensive exams. The other finish line is finishing
your dissertation. For me, I always saw the finish line for the comprehensive
exams. I believe that my past experiences and my understanding of learning and
the application of learning would collide with the comprehensive exams…I
believed I would get the victory. At times, the hysteria of classmates, the
cryptic tales of graduates sharing their journey sometimes clouded my ability
to see the finish line. When I got away from all that chaos and put on my
noise-reduction academic headphones, I found clarity, and I went back to what I
knew to prepare myself for success.
Just like when I ran 5ks, I had something no one could take away from me. And
when it came to the comprehensive exams, I knew I had been preparing for this
since the 1st day I started…Every class in every discussion I tied it to a
general research idea and preparation for the comprehensive exams. So, when I
got the results back that I had passed all parts, to say I was elated is an
understatement. It was also vindication that I truly had seen that first finish
line.
I can’t lie, this second finish line is unfamiliar. It’s a place I've never experienced before and my previous attempt to complete a Ph.D. finish line did not go as planned. But this experience is different for all the right reasons. I believe in the possibilities…I believe the possibilities can be my reality. I understand everything that did not happen as planned has paved the way for everything that is happening right now. For the first time everything's coming together and something that was once a scattered puzzle, is now lacking one final piece for completion. And as for someone who's not big on puzzles, it's cool that I know where the final piece is and where to put the final piece. I know where the final piece is because I have been given the cheat code by so many people who have walked with me. Every step of this journey, it prepared me…and I see! I'm able to see the glitch in the matrix…Sometimes the glitch was my doubt, which was in hibernation. I now know how to move that doubt out of the way. I know what it takes to get there! I'm here for it! I've trained and prepared for this day. And the finish line is not far.
When you are in unfamiliar territory, some of us need someone/something to
assure us we will be fine. Sometimes we need a reminder we are on the right
track towards the finish line until we can see/envision the finish line.
Sometimes it's the people around us. Sometimes it's a feeling you are on the
right track. Sometimes it's the voice of God. Sometimes it's all of those. I
can't say what it will be for you to help you get to the finish line that seems
impossible or that's part of a whole new journey that you'd never experience
before. What I can say is if you want to get there…if you want the victory…if
you want the confidence, tap into the things that have given you confidence in
the past, and figure out how to parlay those into something new and amazing. I
look forward to completing my academic race. My hope is that you get to cross
all the finish lines that you never thought were possible because impossible
is nothing!
The finish line is closer than you think…that is true for me too. To get to my
doctoral journey finish line, I must utilize some of the strategies I mastered
as a distance runner: I gotta minimize distractions; I gotta channel my energy
on efficiency. That means I may reply to communication slower, and I may have
less fellowship with the people who have been part of my village. If you know
me, that is a big ask. But it is what I gotta do. It is what I owe to all of
those who have paved the way for me. I don't know if that means this blog goes
on a hiatus or if this blog continues to be a training ground for my
writing…What I do know is, I see the finish line! It is not a matter of if, it is a matter of when! Thank you for celebrating my
journey to the next finish line. Watch me work!!!
Elgrie J
- Doctoral Candidate, Leadership Studies, Gary Cook
School of Leadership, Dallas Baptist University
