Doing Life Together!

 

July 31, 2023

“God has given us so many reasons…to carry on with this love…” - Kindred The Family Soul

I am a hopeless romantic. And I love finding singers/artists that speak to all the aspects of love. One of those groups is Kindred The Family Soul. I love the group Kindred The Family Soul! They are not just a singing group. They are song writers that happen to be a husband-and-wife tandem. They have been married since 1998. Seven albums and 6 kids later, they are still together. And their story of Black Love has not been drama free. They have had to work through unemployment, financial challenges, and a lack of support from the music industry. Yet, Aja Graydon and Fatin Dantzler remain an example of what living their life together looks like. I think people underestimate what it takes to make marriages work. Marriages that look easy require A LOT of work. I think my marriage to My Sunshine is no different.

“In this life together, we have traveled far.” - Kindred The Family Soul

To be clear, My Sunshine is my best friend. And I mean my BEST friend! There is nothing I cannot tell her (although I am sure she wishes there were things I would keep to myself). This is one of the foundations of your marriage. I love being married to my best friend. I am eager to share my world outside our home; I am even more eager to know what is going on in her mind…I wanna learn how she is evolving in serving our community, as a parent, and most importantly how she is evolving as an individual. I can’t lie, sometimes I get things wrong as a friend. (Probably way more often than I want to admit.) Sometimes I need to learn how to be a better friend. To do this, it requires vulnerability on my end and grace on her end. I am grateful that this formula is still working. As a matter of fact, we are doing better in our friendship than we did when we first began this journey.

This summer I had to study abroad (in Europe) for my graduate studies. It was hard for many reasons…Having dependable friends matters. And on my trip, my friends within my cohort kept me afloat. My relationship with My Sunshine has paved the way for what I expect from friends. I know friends are not easy to come by. Too often what you think are friendships, are toxic, one-sided relationships. The benefit is just for one person. Too often people claim they are your friends just because they know of you. That’s not how I would define a friend. Friendships are mutually beneficial. They may not benefit each person the same way, but both individuals are enhanced from the experience. I have learned the hard way that quality friendships do not come in large quantities. They are rare and are not something to take for granted. The term friend is not something I use loosely with everyone. The people I call friends are more like family to me. True friendships are full of give and take. I am grateful for the ones I have…I am grateful for my best friend who I get to spend the rest of my life with. 

“You’ve got to hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on… to me!” - Kindred The Family Soul

 

This marriage to my best friend is a joint venture. It is NEVER a 50/50, but it is ALWAYS a team effort. It is something that we both are committed to. This is the second part to the foundation of our marriage. Our marriage is rooted in our shared faith and values. It may seem cliché, but it should not be taken lightly. I have heard some people say it doesn't matter what couples believe if you have love. That's nice on a Hallmark card, but I have yet to see love alone keep a relationship afloat for the long haul. My Sunshine and I didn’t just fall into marriage and things worked out just because we loved each other. We have been working on this relationship for over 20 years. We were working on it long before we were married. We discussed our career aspirations, finances, and children before we tied the knot. We didn't start out on the same page…we moved from compromise to finding a third way…It does not mean it has been easy. Tension has arisen…stayed…and left regarding finances, career, and children. And news flash, sometimes the tension on these topics returns in different ways. We choose (as a unit) to be flexible and adapt how we engage in these topics depending on the reality we are presently facing.

 

We are 19 years in this thing called marriage!!! We have experienced so much…we have found success despite the odds being against us. But no matter what has happened, we have lived it together, helping each other every step of the way. Sadly, in this contemporary world we live in, making it to 19 years in your first marriage is not the norm. But that statistical fact does not deter us, it motivates us. We are confident about making it to 20 years and beyond (if we are still breathing this side of eternity).


To my Sunshine…we are just getting started in this life together! “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird!” Let’s
keep flying!!!

Jet Black…
-Elgrie J.