July 31, 2025
For my
Sunshine…
Nearly 5 years into our marriage and right before our daughter was born, I wrote a poem asking God if I get to keep you, my Sunshine, my wife, for more than 13 years. Does that seem silly? In the moment…maybe. I was a little nervous about all that had transpired in my life. The women that I was close to were out of my life and living their best life on the other side of eternity. My concern for the longevity of our marriage came long before I knew I would have cancer…long before I knew that I'd be laid off and take nearly a year to find work…long before that I knew money would be so tight that I couldn't even negotiate to rob Peter to give to Paul.
Thankfully
my views have changed. Approaching year 21 of marriage, I see things a little
differently. I see people older than me and younger than me that look like me
that I can no longer see…their bodies are 6 feet deep…Their souls are an
eternity away. All of this has me thinking about the end of possibilities for you
and for me. When you get married, you say, “till death do us part.” And then
you get older, and you realize that you don't want death to come because we hit
the end of the road when we part! We don't get to come back again! When you're
a hopeless romantic, you say, “Oh I got you forever! I got you in this
lifetime; I’ll have you in the next lifetime!” Then as you get older and your
theology gets wiser, you realize that's not true…so what do I do?
How do I juggle with trying to be the father I need to be…being the professor that I want to be… all while wanting to end this dissertation journey quickly and swiftly?! How is it possible for everyone to be included and be validated, but for me not to fall short?! How do I get the winning ticket to bring all internal and external conflicts to an end? Somehow and somewhere, there is supposed to be time for my Sunshine and me. Somewhere between wanting to make sure the community is served, being obedient to my God, loving our children there is supposed to be time. I found it! But the amount feels so insignificant! At times I feel so selfish to want to have more time with you than any other person on this planet. Where's the playbook on how to navigate the guilt of not having more time for hurkle-durkling with you in the morning? I need the cheat code! I am sitting here often feeling like a kid at an arcade with no more quarters and the screen says GAME OVER!
What
do I do with the conflict of wanting every waking moment to be with you but
knowing by doing that you've become my god?! Putting my God second is not an
option! It is a troubling mindset for me. How do I make sense of saying
parenting is an important component in my life, but between you and parenting, I want to choose you?! That's not right! But that's so real! What I
know is that I need you! What I know is that you are the perfect embodiment of
the Method Man and Mary J. Blige's song “All I Need.” At the same time, I
recognize that you're not all I need!
Happy anniversary!
-Elgrie J. Hurd, III
