June 30, 2021
I’ll never forget December 6, 2019. That was the date on the letter from the university where I was working on my dissertation (virtually). That was when I learned my dissertation chair had given up on me. My university had given up on me. The letter informed me that I was no longer allowed to continue with my doctoral studies. For nearly 6 months I fought the decision. I made phone calls, I sent emails, I submitted appeals. No matter the efforts, the results were the same: my doctoral journey was over. And that fact weighed heavy on me.
Academic failure was not
something I had experienced before...not like this. I had to weigh the
consequences of how I wanted to proceed. I already knew that in some Ph.D.
programs, over 66% of the students do not finish. As a matter of fact,
less than 2% of the 332 million people in the USA have a Ph.D. But what I did
not realize was how much I didn't know. I did not know it mattered that your
dissertation chair needed to be your biggest fan at the university, or how much
power a dissertation chair had on making or breaking your success. I
underestimated the red flags encouraging me to find a new program long before
my demise came. I let my pride lead my decision to keep pushing even when I
felt I was alone in my fight to finish my dissertation. I always tell my kids Hurds don’t quit! And while it can be a
great mantra, it can also be a blinder to facilitate an unnecessary loss. For
me, it became the latter.
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| I’m grateful for the persistence I developed playing hoops with my big brother. |
I don't like losing. That desire not to lose started at an early age. In basketball I would lose to my big brother...again, again, and again. I would keep telling him to run it back. I wanted a redo until I won. I didn't always win. But when I did, it was enough to handle the losses...But when people tried to suggest to me to run it back as it related to trying again to get a Ph.D., it was a no-go. I was done! I didn't want to be a number…I didn’t want to be a cash cow for another university. I didn't want to do all the work again with no assurance I was going to have different results. It all boiled down to the fact that I was not sure if I was good enough. I gave my all. I gave up so much and had nothing to show. (To be fair, I walked away with my second master’s. I know for some that’s a victory. But to be nearly two chapters into a dissertation, it was hard to see and accept that victory).
A year after #ProjectDissertation came to an end, thoughts of wanting to finish what I started resurfaced. It also left me in a quandary: With a Ph.D. or without a Ph.D. I can teach at community colleges (my career original goal), so why try again? I got slammed with a lot of different perspectives to that inquiry. A mentor encouraged me not to be overcome by imposter syndrome. My past failures do not determine my potential future success. A friend said, “It's not about you!” He reminded me of some of my reasons that got me started to attempt a Ph.D. program in the first place...I wanted to increase access, so more voices could be heard. I wanted to help coach the leadership of organizations up or help those in leadership roles transition out. My wife was the nail in the coffin. She helped me acknowledge that maybe this was all part of God’s Purpose for my life. Maybe I got it wrong. Maybe I had to lose to get it right. In the end they were ALL right.
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| My first day in my journey as part of Cohort XVII |
I don't know how this story ends, but I'm gonna run this back! Win or lose...I'm ready to give God (The Father, The Son, and The Holy Spirit) the glory for the opportunity. I'm all but done! I hope those reading this will find ways to support my efforts. For those who join me, together we WILL run it back!
Elgrie J. Hurd, III
- Doctoral Student, Leadership Studies Program,
Gary Cook School of Leadership, Dallas Baptist University
